A ZVS Webisode
Written by Zachariah Van Sluyters
Edited by Melissa Blazek Van Sluyters
The MoFos
Season 2
Kill the Muppet
14
(Season 2 Episode 1)
Patience
Mike Paisley squirmed in his chair for what had to be the
twentieth time in the last hour.
There were lots of
reasons why Mike should be squirming. Of
course, probably anyone who knew what Mike did for a living would have expected
him to be rather uncomfortable. After
all, Mike Paisley was a guard at Ohio’s premiere mental institution, a place that
took the worst of the worst, or as Mike and his partner Karl called them, the
craziest of the crazy. They kept the
term between the two of them for the most part, because this statement would be
frowned upon by the staff.
Mike however, was not squirming about what he did for a
living. He had in the beginning, but
after three years on the job he had gotten used to it. Lunch did tend to have a riot or incident once
a week or so. Mike wasn’t worried,
though. He and Karl sat behind two-inch
thick safety glass with their fingers on a button which would flood guards with
Tasers into the room to quell whatever insurrection the patients had planned.
Mike was squirming for a very different reason.
His ass was on fire.
Mike had chronic internal hemorrhoids. Very itchy red bumps inside the anus that one
contracted through stress (Mike’s wife and two kids) and repeated hard or acidic
bowel movements (his wife’s cooking and the Swenson’s Galley Boy burger, which
he just couldn’t resist).
“You okay?” Karl
asked as he watched Mike squirm again.
Mike’s face was contorted in pain. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Karl shook his head. “Seriously man, you look messed up,”
Mike wanted to change the subject. Looking into the mess hall which was
pleasantly quiet today, he saw the door open and two guards walk the famous
Patient 1314 into the hall.
“Is that him?” Mike nodded as they brought the tall thin man
in scrubs and a white robe into the room.
Karl nodded following Mike’s gaze. “That’s him alright, 1314.”
They called him 1314 because his name was still, for the
most part, unknown. It was a phenomena that had only just occurred.
1314 had been found in an abandoned hospital, surrounded by
dead people, talking to himself.
The details hadn’t been released to anyone yet, but from the
rumors, all the dead people had big red X’s on the international criminal list,
and had all been holding guns themselves. On top of that, 1314 had been holding some
military super gun that no private owner should have.
As the story goes, the only name they could get out of the
guy was that he called himself Rockwell.
No one could find his prints on record and no one could track him. It was like he didn’t exist.
They had transferred him here two weeks ago and he had spent
the better part of it by himself.
This was his first day released into the general patient
populace. The doctors said he was ready
for social interactions. Mike had lost
track of the times the doctors were wrong.
“Can’t believe they haven’t charged him criminally yet,”
Mike said as they watched the infamous patient get into the food line.
“Hard to charge anyone when the victim’s don’t have names,”
Karl said, also enthralled with the patient.
Mike shook his head. “Man, is that a mystery or what, dead nameless
people just dropping out of the sky, you think it was some spy shit?”
Mike had always enjoyed working with Karl. He was a good guy.
“It was fucking aliens.” Karl said.
Then again, Karl could be an asshole.
Mike blinked twice. “Just to be clear, you aren’t talking about
people from other countries that enter the country illegally, are you?”
Karl got serious.
“Think about it man. Why can’t
the government find info on these people? They know fucking everything. I’m telling you, the dead guys are aliens, and
so is 1314, and they came here to fight over our resources!”
Mike pinched his nose and felt the pain in his ass again. “So let me get this straight, you think aliens
came to earth, put on our clothes, and then used our guns to kill each other
over a planet that we control?”
Karl scuffed at that. “Of course not,”
Mike breathed a sigh of relief.
Karl finished. “They
already control our governments. Why do
you think we attacked Iraq?”
“Sweet, merciful God!” Mike said and squirmed in his chair. The hemorrhoids in his ass suddenly throbbed
and flared like napalm.
Karl’s eyes narrowed at Mike. “Jesus man, what the hell is bothering you?”
Mike grit his teeth. “Besides your system of deduction? Honestly, I
have hemorrhoids and they are bad today”
Karl was a taken back, shocked by this revelation. “You have Hemorrhoids?”
Mike became confused with the look of disgust on Karl
face. “Yes, I have internal hemorrhoids
and they are driving me crazy.”
Karl proceeded with caution.
“You’ve been fucking dirty chicks? I didn’t know you cheat on your wife, man.”
Mike literally groaned.
“Oh my God! No, you jackass. Hemorrhoids are in your ass!”
Karl looked even more confused. “You’ve been getting fucked in the ass by
dirty chicks?”
Mike lost it. “What?!
How is that even fucking possible?”
Karl shrugged. “I
don’t know. How else you get that shit
in your ass?”
Mike screamed. “I
DON’T HAVE HERPES! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! They are two completely different things!”
Mike suddenly heard a lot of yelling from inside the mess
hall and then realized that between his hemorrhoids and Karl’s stupidity, they
had both become oblivious to what was happening on the other side of the glass.
It was at this time they both noted the shadow in front of
the window.
They turned.
It was 1314. He had
an ear to ear grin. The patients behind
him were all screaming and jumping on tables like apes in the zoo that had just
witnessed violence.
Mike then noticed the patient on the floor, patient 137. He was twisting in the fetal position covered
in his own vomit.
Mike and Karl’s pale white shocked faces looked back to 1314
who was staring into the glass back at them.
“Hey, motherfuckers. That guy on the floor ate a piece of my
fruit. But it’s okay…” 1314 said, before raising his hand, covered in
the other man’s vomit, to the glass placing an unrecognizable piece of fruit
against the window with a slap, “…I got it back.”
Mike hit the button.
Karl puked.
****
The guards looked at the mess hall door behind Rockwell. All of the patients turned from the line or
looked up from their food to see the new blood.
The second passed and they all went back to eating. Rockwell had a quick memory of the NVA P.O.W
camp he and Stone had been in.
He smiled.
Good times.
Stone appeared next to him.
“Don’t fuck this up. We finally
got out of the padded room.”
Rockwell sighed. “I
liked the padded room. It was like an
adult sized bouncy house.”
“Well I need personal interaction with someone other than
you. If I have to hear one more of your
fucking stories, I’m going to kill myself.” Stone said, frustrated.
Rockwell spun toward him. “First off, asshole, that is fucking psychically
impossible. You’re already dead. Second, as previously mentioned, you’re
fucking dead. Who the fuck are you going
to talk to?!”
Stone shrugged at that. “I can listen.”
“You can listen? You
know what? Fuck you! When you were alive you never listened to
anything I said and I said shit all the time! I’m a fucking non-stop one way communication
generator! You can listen. Fuck you.” Rockwell’s rant came to a close and he realized
the entire room had just watched him scream at nothing for a couple of minutes
or so.
“Great start.” Stone
said, sarcastically.
Rockwell sighed. “I
want my hat back.”
Rockwell walked to the food line and grabbed a tray, getting
in behind a man about a foot taller than him, and ripped.
The man’s face constantly twitched. Rockwell saw his number patch on his shirt.
Patient 137.
They began to move through the line and the big man kept
staring at Rockwell, who was becoming uneasy.
They began to take food and Rockwell finally became annoyed with the
staring. “What?”
They were both given some stew
The big man twitched so much it made him hard to understand.
“You…You…Think your tck tck… Famous.”
They were both given a carrot.
“I don’t think, Sasquatch. I know.” Rockwell responded by jabbing his thumb at
himself.
“Easy, think of the straight jacket.” Stone whispered in Rockwell’s ear from behind
him.
They were both handed fruit.
The big man suddenly grabbed the fruit and put it on his own
tray. “I get… tck tck… the fruit!”
“Put the fruit cup back.” Rockwell said as his eyes narrowed.
“Relax. We don’t want
to go back to the padded room.” Stone
said getting worried.
The big man pulled an apple slice out of Rockwell’s fruit
cup and plopped it into his mouth.
Rockwell’s jaw worked.
“I’m gonna take my fruit back. All
of it.”
Stone’s imaginary head went into his hand. “Crap.”
The big man chewed twice and swallowed.
Rockwell calmly put his tray of food down.
Rockwell cracked his knuckles.
Rockwell then took his fruit back.
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